Monday, February 22, 2016

Love Languages - What Speaks To You?

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I took the 5 Love Languages test at Gary Chapman's website  I also had my hubby take the test as well so we could talk about our results.

After being married for 16 years there was a lot of stuff that we already new about each other.  Things that we had observed over the years and learned from trial and error.  But, some of the stuff we learned about each other came as a surprise to us.

The 5 Love Languages as described by Gary Chapman are:
                                        1.  Words of Affirmation
                                        2.   Acts of Service
                                        3.   Receiving Gifts
                                        4.   Quality Time
                                        5.   Physical touch

My highest one was words of affirmation at 10 points.  Which was closely followed by acts of service which was only one point behind.  This totally made sense as I crave compliments, whether it's about I look, something I made, or even how well my girls did at something.  Another sure fire way to win my love is when someone pitches in and helps without me having to ask for it.

As an example I love it when my hubby and I go somewhere and when we leave my hubby will say, "Well, once again I was the luckiest man there."  I love that he loves me enough to feel like no matter who else was there that I am still the one for him.  Shouldn't every man feel like they are the luckiest man just because who they are with?  And vice versa?

My hubby's #1 love language is physical touch.  This was not surprising to me at all, this was actually a full 4 points ahead of his second one.  Physical touch encompasses all touch not just sexual touch.  He loves to hold hands, rest his hand on my knee while driving, hugs, Sitting close to each other on couch, etc.

What did surprise me was to find out that he had a big fat zero for words of affirmation!  It's not that he doesn't need to hear the words, it just means that the quickest way to his heart is not words.

Suddenly things began to make more sense to me!

When he would get into a writing funk, work funk, or whatever funk and is discouraged or lacking confidence about something, guess what I did.  Yep, I fed him words of affirmation!  Did this help?  No!  So what would I do?  Feed him more words of affirmation.  Which would cause him to feel like I didn't understand hi, and he would get more discouraged.

Which would leave me feeling like he was taking things way to seriously and allowing these things to get to him and affect him d=for too long.  And when he was in these funks it would affect all of us and after awhile I would get upset that he was being so selfish and only thinking about himself.  And a lot of times I would end up fuming and think, "Suck it up, Princess!"

And of course he could sense I was upset with him which would cause him to pull back.  And because he was pulling back I would pull back and just hope that he would get himself out of whatever funk he was in faster than the last one.

Oh what a collusion we were in!  (Check out Anatomy Of Peace to learn more about collusions, how we get in them, and how to get out of them.)

My hubby has a some writing deadlines coming up and one that just passed.  These deadlines will usually have him going into a lack of confidence funk.  Instead of throwing words of affirmation at him instead I just gave him a hug and held him him.  I consciously made sure that I was touch him more often in those days when he was super stressed and keeping my mouth shut more!

He went into his office and wrote and got that first deadline in on time.  Without the usual worrying and questioning that he usually does.  He just did it.

Granted he could be learning how to deal with the stress easier but I can't help but think that my being willing to learn what he needed the most helped.  I stopped talking his ear off about how he could do it I was able to give him the physical contact that he needs to fill his love bucket!

What is your love language breakdown?  Why not hop over to and find out?   My break down is:
                          10 Words of Affirmation
                            9  Acts of Service
                            6  Physical Touch
                            4  Quality Time
                            1  Receiving Gifts

They also have a love language test for kids that I am so having my daughters take!


  1. So true, the love languages info is SO powerful! It can be a relationship game changer!

    1. Exactly! I think it's going to help strengthen our relationship.

  2. Agreed with you on the love languages. My hubby is not very good in expressing love in words but I appreciate that he shows affection by caring and be there for me and the family. Great post Marci!

    1. That's all we can ask for, is for them to try. And if we know what each other's love language is we can try and do what will be most meaningful to each other.