Third Marriage Trap--The Togetherness Trap

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So with this trap you can go two ways, spending too much time together OR not spending enough time together. And usually each person in the couple has a different idea of what being together is.

Does being together consist of being in the same room together even if your just watching TV? Or does being together mean to you spending planned thought out activities together? Neither one is wrong, you just need to communicate to your spouse what your definition of spending time together is.

Togetherness is the emotional bonding that couples have with each other. Too little and you have can have a major problem. While too much can also be destructive. You need to have a sense of couple identity and only you and your spouse can decide what that means in your relationship. Don't compare your togetherness with another couple's, they might need more or less than you do.

Yes, I'm going to get spiritual here, include the Savior and you Father in Heaven when deciding how much togetherness time you need as a couple. Pray about it. Seek heavenly guidance. Commit your love to your Savior's keeping.

As a stay-at-home mom I have found it hard to have my own identity at times away from the home, the kids, and my husband. If you are having trouble with your identity as an individual find some hobbies that are your hobbies. I have this blog, sewing, baking for fun, my Beachbody business I just started, etc. What do you have as your hobbies?

But we also can't spend all our time focused on ourselves and our identity. Finding a balance can be so difficult!

Talk together as a couple and figure out what togetherness means for you as a couple and work on having that bond. But also allow each of you to have your own hobbies.

How do you find balance in your relationship?

Twelve Traps in Today's Marriage and How to Avoid Them

Second Marriage Trap--The Tradition Trap

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The second marriage trap that Brent A Barlow talks about in his book, “Twelve Traps In Today's Marriage,” is the tradition trap.

The tradition trap can manifest in two ways. The first is in thinking that your marriage has to be that way because it has always been that way. The second is thinking that your marriage needs to be like your parents, grandparents, or how it's been in the past because it has worked for them for years.

First off the roles in today's marriage has changed from how it has been in the past. More households today have to have both spouses work to make ends meet in today's economy.

Fortunately since we have had kids I have been able to stay home and raise them while my husband goes to work to support us. I have done jobs from home, like direct marketing, babysitting, etsy, etc so even when I am home I am also working. I also homeschool our daughters which is a job all in itself. And as my girls get older and more involved in things the less of our school actually takes place at home!

In the past housework was primarily done by women but we see an increase of husbands stepping in and helping with the housework. Just this week while I was at a rehearsal for one of my daughters' play practices my husband was at home doing the dishes so I wouldn't have to worry about them later.

What changes can you make in your marriage to make it work for you without getting stuck in the same rut that isn't working for you.

Wishing and hoping for a better marriage is good because you realize that changes need to be made. But you can't just wish and hope you need to work to make those changes.

It is a huge myth that your marriage will like cheese or wine and get better with age! You will not suddenly wake up one day and find that it has improved with no effort form you and your spouse.

If you are sitting there going yeah my spouse needs to change so much but you don't know how to approach them about the changes that you feel need o be made let me help you out about how to approach them.

When you come to them and start the conversation about things that need to be changed don't have a huge list start with the things that are needing to be changed. Start with just a couple.

It might be a good idea to start with things that aren't huge so you as a couple will feel empowered that you can make these changes when you see these smaller changes being made.

When you have your list of things that you would like to see changed, make sure you have some stuff on there that you need to change as well and not just things that your spouse needs to change.

Lastly keep in mind when you are changing things things usually get worse before they get better. But if you can stick with it you can have the marriage you have always dreamed of!

FREE Kindle Book!

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First I want to apologize for being MIA! I got sick for about a week and a half and have been playing catch up ever since.

My hubby's Counting/Storybook for children is now available for free on Kindle until Monday!  I might be a bit biased, but I think it's extremely cute!

My hubby is super excited because yesterday it got into the TOP 100 on Amazon for free Children's Ebooks!  This really made his day as yesterday was a long day at work and he ended up coming home feeling extremely overwhelmed and discouraged.

If you get the book and have a chance to review it we would be really grateful.  There's some magical number of reviews it needs before Amazon starts taking it seriously!

No need to have a Kindle.  You can get the Kindle App and read it off your phone, tablet, Ipad, or computer!

There's dragons, princesses, knights and more.  There are things to count, to look-and-find, and there's even Easter eggs hidden in some of the illustrations.  Can you find them all?

Full color illustrations are done by Mina Sanwald.

What is your favorite illustration or Easter Egg that you found?

A Great Friend!

Some old friends of our that moved were back in town for a visit, well both hubbies were at work, but us wives and our kids got to visit.  It was great to see them even if I was bone tired as I hadn't slept the night before.  The visit was too short but it was better than nothing.

It really hit home that I haven't had a friend like, Shonna, since she moved.  Don't get me wrong I have friends and I know a lot of people but I don't have the relationship I had with any of them like I did with her.

I miss that friendship.  She was the one person I could call when I was super excited about something, and she would celebrate with me. I could call her when I was so mad I wanted to kill someone and she would either talk me down or help plot their demise!  ;)  I could call her when I was so upset and sad, at those times she probably couldn't understand what I was saying as I was crying so hard, but she just listened.  We would talk nearly everyday!

She was the kind of friend that when I pulled both groin muscles, within days of each other, and when she asked what she could do and I said nothing she didn't listen.  Instead she came and got my daughters who at the time were 4 and 5 so I wouldn't have to worry about them.  And then of course we had to laugh hysterically about how I was able to accomplish this fete!

She was the kind of friend who could and would swing by, just because.  And she was the only one I would let in no matter what my house or I looked like.  No pretending I didn't hear the knock.

She's the one who watched my girls during the day when my hubby was at work and I as a leader had to help out at our youth's girl camp for church.  They were only 2 and 3 at the time.

She's also the one who helped out the most when I had my open heart surgery.  Family did help out and my mom flew in from Pennsylvania for a few weeks and my MIL watched the girls the week I was in the hospital, but Shonna was there through all of it helping out wherever she could.

She's the kind of friend I could call up and say let's go get ice cream or a smoothie or whatever.  Anything to get us out of the house for a little bit so we could refocus on our family and our roles when we got back home.

She's the kind of fiend when I didn't have a car and my hubby needed the car himself she would take me to doctor appointments.  And yes, there are always a lot of doctors appointments!

She's the one who was there for me when I was going through my depression.  She's the only person who I could tell exactly what I was feeling and thinking.  And she would listen with no judgement whatsoever.

When we only had one car she would call me up and say hey I'm making a run to Walmart, need to go?  And she would come and get me and the girls with her two kids in tow and off to the store we'd go.

These are just a few examples of what she did for me and how she touched my life.  She was always there.  I hope that I was able to touch her life and help her, even if it's just a portion of what she did for me.

And since she's moved I've been looking for a friend who I can have the same relationship with.  But even after all these years I have yet to find one.  I guess she is one of a kind!

Thanks for being a great friend, Shonna!

Thanks, but. . .

A few days ago I did a blog post about my love language being words of affirmation.  This rings so true!  I want to hear this thing I just made looks or tastes.  Or how good I look, especially if I put time into getting ready.  Or how great my girls are.  Or. . .You get the idea.  I crave these compliments.

But what do I do when I get a compliment?  Like a lot of us I would say something like, "Thanks, but I totally messed up the hem right here." Or, "Thanks, but the cake looks nothing like I had imagined it would."  Or, "Thanks, but this old rag?"

How many of you have done this same thing?

I call it the Thanks, but syndrome.  I know it drove my hubby crazy!  I would tell him that he was biased or that he had to say those things because he loved me.  Here he was giving me a compliment, words of affirmation, things I craved and what did I do?  I would turn around and throw away that compliment.

It wasn't until I heard my girls doing it that I realized just how awful it sounded.  But I had no one to blame but myself.  After all they had learned it from me.  

I had to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.

Adding that but to the end of thanks can seem like a slap to the face or that you're telling them how stupid they are to think that.

And honestly if that's the reaction you get when you are giving a compliment why would you keep giving them compliments?

I started to make a conscious effort to say thank you and stop, not say anything else.  It was so hard and felt so awkward and fake for me.  Close friends and family have commented on how they feel better because I stopped adding but!

Am I perfect at this? Not at all.  In fact some days I revert back to my old habit of adding but. Old habits die hard!  But I am better than I was.  And hopefully just saying thank you will become the habit.

So, I'm giving everyone permission, (not like you needed my permission) to just say thank you.  No but or explanation or anything after.  Just thank you!  Who's willing to take this challenge with me?

Love Languages - What Speaks To You?

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I took the 5 Love Languages test at Gary Chapman's website www.5lovelanguages.com.  I also had my hubby take the test as well so we could talk about our results.

After being married for 16 years there was a lot of stuff that we already new about each other.  Things that we had observed over the years and learned from trial and error.  But, some of the stuff we learned about each other came as a surprise to us.

The 5 Love Languages as described by Gary Chapman are:
                                        1.  Words of Affirmation
                                        2.   Acts of Service
                                        3.   Receiving Gifts
                                        4.   Quality Time
                                        5.   Physical touch

My highest one was words of affirmation at 10 points.  Which was closely followed by acts of service which was only one point behind.  This totally made sense as I crave compliments, whether it's about I look, something I made, or even how well my girls did at something.  Another sure fire way to win my love is when someone pitches in and helps without me having to ask for it.

As an example I love it when my hubby and I go somewhere and when we leave my hubby will say, "Well, once again I was the luckiest man there."  I love that he loves me enough to feel like no matter who else was there that I am still the one for him.  Shouldn't every man feel like they are the luckiest man just because who they are with?  And vice versa?

My hubby's #1 love language is physical touch.  This was not surprising to me at all, this was actually a full 4 points ahead of his second one.  Physical touch encompasses all touch not just sexual touch.  He loves to hold hands, rest his hand on my knee while driving, hugs, Sitting close to each other on couch, etc.

What did surprise me was to find out that he had a big fat zero for words of affirmation!  It's not that he doesn't need to hear the words, it just means that the quickest way to his heart is not words.

Suddenly things began to make more sense to me!

When he would get into a writing funk, work funk, or whatever funk and is discouraged or lacking confidence about something, guess what I did.  Yep, I fed him words of affirmation!  Did this help?  No!  So what would I do?  Feed him more words of affirmation.  Which would cause him to feel like I didn't understand hi, and he would get more discouraged.

Which would leave me feeling like he was taking things way to seriously and allowing these things to get to him and affect him d=for too long.  And when he was in these funks it would affect all of us and after awhile I would get upset that he was being so selfish and only thinking about himself.  And a lot of times I would end up fuming and think, "Suck it up, Princess!"

And of course he could sense I was upset with him which would cause him to pull back.  And because he was pulling back I would pull back and just hope that he would get himself out of whatever funk he was in faster than the last one.

Oh what a collusion we were in!  (Check out Anatomy Of Peace to learn more about collusions, how we get in them, and how to get out of them.)

My hubby has a some writing deadlines coming up and one that just passed.  These deadlines will usually have him going into a lack of confidence funk.  Instead of throwing words of affirmation at him instead I just gave him a hug and held him him.  I consciously made sure that I was touch him more often in those days when he was super stressed and keeping my mouth shut more!

He went into his office and wrote and got that first deadline in on time.  Without the usual worrying and questioning that he usually does.  He just did it.

Granted he could be learning how to deal with the stress easier but I can't help but think that my being willing to learn what he needed the most helped.  I stopped talking his ear off about how he could do it I was able to give him the physical contact that he needs to fill his love bucket!

What is your love language breakdown?  Why not hop over to www.5lovelanguages.com and find out?   My break down is:
                          10 Words of Affirmation
                            9  Acts of Service
                            6  Physical Touch
                            4  Quality Time
                            1  Receiving Gifts

They also have a love language test for kids that I am so having my daughters take!

Attitude, It May Not Be Everything But It Is A Lot!

You've all heard the saying, attitude is everything. I am going to disagree a little here. Yes, attitude is a lot but if something truly terrible happens to you that sucks and you should be able to express what you are feeling. Whether it is sadness, anger, hurt, whatever. You need to be able to express yourself, or you become a fake person that no one wants to be around. But after your initial expression of what you are feeling is done then attitude becomes everything.

You get to decide whether you are going to do. Are you going to continue to wallow in whatever you are feeling or are you going to grab yourself by your bootstraps and move on? You can let the pain fester inside you until you are such a miserable human being that no one wants to be around you or you can decide to see the positive.

I personally can be a very fake person to the world. Everything is always "hunky dory" when you ask me how it's going. It doesn't matter if my dad's in the hospital, my car broke down again, Christmas is coming and we just heard that the Christmas bonus we count on to pay for Christmas won't be given this year, my girls have 3 different theater things going on,. . .you get the picture. Life is always grand! Granted there are those people that just ask out of politeness and don't really care so giving them the standard, "Everything's great!" will work in those situations. But for people who truly care and are my friends I don't need to pretend with them. (But if your eyes start to glaze over as I'm talking I understand that I put more value in the friendship than you do so I'll go back to giving you the pat "Everything's great!" answer.)

But on the other hand I can't spend the whole time bemoaning my sorry lot in life because then you will start to avoid me. Am I the only one who will turn and go the long way to avoid certain people at times?

I think you need to find a balance between the two. (If someone figures out that perfect balance please let me know as I am still trying to work this out myself.)

And sometimes I need to shake myself and say, "Snap out of it! What do you have to be grateful for in this situation." And sometimes that is all I need to start seeing the positive and consequently be a happier and more enjoyable person to be around!

Schoolhouse Rock

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My hubby grew up watching Schoolhouse Rock and still sings the songs to this day.  We didn't have TV when I was growing up so I only saw a couple episodes here and there in school.

When we, my so supportive hubby and I decided that we were going to homeschool the first thing he said we HAD to have was the Schoolhouse Rock dvds!

We have used them and still do use them many many times throughout the years.  When my daughters were younger they would watch them for fun.

Just last summer while visiting family in Northern California one of the local colleges was doing Schoolhouse Rock Live.  My kids and hubby were so excited that his Aunt bought our family tickets to see the show as a birthday present for him!

It was a great show and such a fun evening and the whole weekend they talked about what songs were and included in the play and which of their favorites from the dvd were not.

So if your homeschooling or just looking for good educational dvds I highly recommend Schoolhouse Rock!

Making Memorizing the Multiplication Tables Fun!!!

First, I want to apologize for not posting for a while, I have been sick a with a cold.  It doesn't sound like much but immune system is so bad that anything I get hits me harder and longer than everyone else.  I'm still sick but at least I am starting to have more energy and feeling better.

I remember when I was in elementary school and hating 3rd grade because that is when we had to memorize our multiplication tables.  It was so hard for me!  I remember failing timed test after timed test to the point that I would have to miss recess to retake test after test after test until I  passed.

Because of this I had a fear of math and especially teaching math.  I remember this was the one thing that worried me while I was contemplating homeschooling my two daughters. How would I teach math?  But I really felt that the answer to my prayers was that we were suppose to homeschool, so I trusted in the Lord and jumped in.

And almost jumped back out just as quick.  The first math curriculum we chose was a horrible fit for us.  The next two as well!  And this was just Kindergarten and first grade math what was I going to do when I had to teach Algebra or Geometry!

Then we found Math U See, and this math curriculum just clicked for all three of us!  Finally, math was making sense for the first time ever for me and my girls were learning as well!  I really think that the curriculum will make it or break it for you as teacher especially if it is a subject you feel you aren't so good at.

But when it came time to memorize the multiplication tables my girls struggled with this as well.  At first I just made worksheet after worksheet up so they could "practice."  This only frustrated them and me as well.  And I started to have nightmares of being back in 3rd grade and having to pass the timed tests and failing, but this time I was an adult trying to squish into 3rd grade desks!  I knew I couldn't keep doing this or they would end up hating and fearing math as much as I did.

I was doing some research and reading and came across where it was said that sometimes a student that was having trouble memorizing things needed to do a physical activity while saying it aloud.  A light bulb went on and here is a list if some activities we did while memorizing our multiplication tables.

1.  They would jump rope while saying the facts over and over so if we were working on the twos table they would say, "2 times 1 is 2.  2 times 2 is 4. 2 times 3 is 6," and on up.

2.  We would play catch in the backyard with a ball.  I would start out and say, "4 times 3,"  And toss the ball to one of my daughters, she would answer back with, "12,"  And then she would state the beginning of some multiplication fact and toss the ball to someone.  Whoever caught it had to answer it before tossing coming up with the beginning of another multiplication fact and tossing it to someone to answer it.

3.  I wrote on our driveway in sidewalk chalk the sum/answers to all the multiplication facts we were working on.  I would start by taking turns calling on each one and giving them the fact and they would have to run and stand on the answer.  Then when they got good at that we moved up to them standing beside me I would give them each a different fact and they would run to their answer and stand on it.  Then we progressed to they would both be running for the same one.

4.  We would play card games like Go Fish, but when they would lay down a match they would have to pick a fact and say it and answer it correctly.  So if they laid down 2's they would have to say, "2 times (any number of their choice) is (the answer)."  We did this most of our games whether it was the number that came up on the die while playing Chutes and Ladders, or how many spaces they got to move in Candy Land to get to the next red space.

5.  They would bounce a ball repeating the multiplication tables much like we did with jump roping.

By doing this they got the multiplication tables memorized without being in tears over worksheets!

What are some things that you have done to help your children conquer a hard subject or idea?

Best Things Journal

I think as we view society and our role in it it can become pretty discouraging.  We have so much too do everyday and so many hats to wear or roles to play.  Life can seem so overwhelming!

I don't know about you but I find myself getting so discouraged and focusing on what didn't go the way I planned or what didn't get done at all!  I end up feeling so defeated and end up having a pessimistic view of life.

I heard somewhere that each day that if we write in a journal the best thing that happened to us that day it will help us focus more on the good.  And by focusing on the best things that happen we will be able to be grateful for all that we have instead of focusing on what we don't have.

I love this idea so much and am going to implement this in my daily life!  What's the best thing that happened to you today?

It's Okay To Be An Imperfect Superwoan

As women most of us have many roles that we assume.  There is the role of wife, mother, friend, daughter, cook, taxi, nurse. . . the list goes on and on.  we have so many roles that it is sometimes hard to juggle all the responsibilities.  we can end up feeling overwhelmed and stressed to the point that we feel unable to accomplish everything that we must.

I am a perfectionist by nature.  As my list of responsibilities gets longer and longer I have learned that I have to be okay with being imperfect.  After all who among is perfect?

I have friends and family that tell me they get tired just thinking of all I do.  They say that I always seem to pull everything off with style and finesse.  I hear that I must be a superwoman, and I just end up laughing.  For what they don't see is the imperfection and break downs that occur when I am at home.  No one gets to see all that, except my husband, poor man!

And when he tells me to take a deep breath, that I don't have to be perfect and sometimes just okay is good enough, he gets accused of not understanding or caring.  What he is trying to do is make sure I give myself permission to be imperfect.

We have to learn to be okay with being Imperfect Superwomen!