Thanks, but. . .

A few days ago I did a blog post about my love language being words of affirmation.  This rings so true!  I want to hear this thing I just made looks or tastes.  Or how good I look, especially if I put time into getting ready.  Or how great my girls are.  Or. . .You get the idea.  I crave these compliments.

But what do I do when I get a compliment?  Like a lot of us I would say something like, "Thanks, but I totally messed up the hem right here." Or, "Thanks, but the cake looks nothing like I had imagined it would."  Or, "Thanks, but this old rag?"

How many of you have done this same thing?

I call it the Thanks, but syndrome.  I know it drove my hubby crazy!  I would tell him that he was biased or that he had to say those things because he loved me.  Here he was giving me a compliment, words of affirmation, things I craved and what did I do?  I would turn around and throw away that compliment.

It wasn't until I heard my girls doing it that I realized just how awful it sounded.  But I had no one to blame but myself.  After all they had learned it from me.  

I had to take a step back and reevaluate what I was doing.

Adding that but to the end of thanks can seem like a slap to the face or that you're telling them how stupid they are to think that.

And honestly if that's the reaction you get when you are giving a compliment why would you keep giving them compliments?

I started to make a conscious effort to say thank you and stop, not say anything else.  It was so hard and felt so awkward and fake for me.  Close friends and family have commented on how they feel better because I stopped adding but!

Am I perfect at this? Not at all.  In fact some days I revert back to my old habit of adding but. Old habits die hard!  But I am better than I was.  And hopefully just saying thank you will become the habit.

So, I'm giving everyone permission, (not like you needed my permission) to just say thank you.  No but or explanation or anything after.  Just thank you!  Who's willing to take this challenge with me?

Love Languages - What Speaks To You?

***Disclosure there are affiliate links in this article. By clicking on them I do earn a commission, or you can just go to whatever website you want and I don't earn anything. Totally up to you!***

I took the 5 Love Languages test at Gary Chapman's website www.5lovelanguages.com.  I also had my hubby take the test as well so we could talk about our results.

After being married for 16 years there was a lot of stuff that we already new about each other.  Things that we had observed over the years and learned from trial and error.  But, some of the stuff we learned about each other came as a surprise to us.

The 5 Love Languages as described by Gary Chapman are:
                                        1.  Words of Affirmation
                                        2.   Acts of Service
                                        3.   Receiving Gifts
                                        4.   Quality Time
                                        5.   Physical touch

My highest one was words of affirmation at 10 points.  Which was closely followed by acts of service which was only one point behind.  This totally made sense as I crave compliments, whether it's about I look, something I made, or even how well my girls did at something.  Another sure fire way to win my love is when someone pitches in and helps without me having to ask for it.

As an example I love it when my hubby and I go somewhere and when we leave my hubby will say, "Well, once again I was the luckiest man there."  I love that he loves me enough to feel like no matter who else was there that I am still the one for him.  Shouldn't every man feel like they are the luckiest man just because who they are with?  And vice versa?

My hubby's #1 love language is physical touch.  This was not surprising to me at all, this was actually a full 4 points ahead of his second one.  Physical touch encompasses all touch not just sexual touch.  He loves to hold hands, rest his hand on my knee while driving, hugs, Sitting close to each other on couch, etc.

What did surprise me was to find out that he had a big fat zero for words of affirmation!  It's not that he doesn't need to hear the words, it just means that the quickest way to his heart is not words.

Suddenly things began to make more sense to me!

When he would get into a writing funk, work funk, or whatever funk and is discouraged or lacking confidence about something, guess what I did.  Yep, I fed him words of affirmation!  Did this help?  No!  So what would I do?  Feed him more words of affirmation.  Which would cause him to feel like I didn't understand hi, and he would get more discouraged.

Which would leave me feeling like he was taking things way to seriously and allowing these things to get to him and affect him d=for too long.  And when he was in these funks it would affect all of us and after awhile I would get upset that he was being so selfish and only thinking about himself.  And a lot of times I would end up fuming and think, "Suck it up, Princess!"

And of course he could sense I was upset with him which would cause him to pull back.  And because he was pulling back I would pull back and just hope that he would get himself out of whatever funk he was in faster than the last one.

Oh what a collusion we were in!  (Check out Anatomy Of Peace to learn more about collusions, how we get in them, and how to get out of them.)

My hubby has a some writing deadlines coming up and one that just passed.  These deadlines will usually have him going into a lack of confidence funk.  Instead of throwing words of affirmation at him instead I just gave him a hug and held him him.  I consciously made sure that I was touch him more often in those days when he was super stressed and keeping my mouth shut more!

He went into his office and wrote and got that first deadline in on time.  Without the usual worrying and questioning that he usually does.  He just did it.

Granted he could be learning how to deal with the stress easier but I can't help but think that my being willing to learn what he needed the most helped.  I stopped talking his ear off about how he could do it I was able to give him the physical contact that he needs to fill his love bucket!

What is your love language breakdown?  Why not hop over to www.5lovelanguages.com and find out?   My break down is:
                          10 Words of Affirmation
                            9  Acts of Service
                            6  Physical Touch
                            4  Quality Time
                            1  Receiving Gifts

They also have a love language test for kids that I am so having my daughters take!